Yes, teen girls could be drama queens, but mom's could be drama mamas.
"What are you talking about? It's my daughter's fault. She's rude, disrespectful, and defiant."
I know it's easy to focus on your daughter's behavior, but it's easy for mom's to join the drama dance and escalate the drama.
Now I am not blaming moms or letting teenage girls off the hook.
But moms need to take responsibility due to their part in the drama dance. I am a mom of a young adult and I discover how easy it's to get hooked in the drama. But this can be a good news.
When you take responsibility for the part, you can avoid a lot of the drama together with your daughter.
The drama will dissipate quickly once you refuse to join the drama dance.
It will take two to accomplish the drama dance. This is why it's important to know the method that you escalate the drama. No mom intentionally escalates the drama dance. It's a reaction. You react because you are afraid, frustrated, or she makes you feel like a failure.
The Six Ways Moms Escalate Drama
1. Lose Control
Your daughter loses control. She starts yelling and being disrespectful, and before you realize it, your have the fire welling up in your belly. You are in touch with your inner warrior. You've had it, and you are ready to put her in her place, nevertheless you lose control.
You lose control of one's words, judgment, and actions.
Result: When you lose control, it provides your daughter permission to get rid of control. This creates a downward cycle that produces a whole new pair of problems.Dramacool
What you certainly can do about any of it: Take a break. Head to the store. Walk round the block. Take a shower. You need time and energy to calm down.
2. Escalate the Arguing
Avoid arguing at all costs. It's not a conversation; it's an electrical struggle where there is going to be described as a winner and loser. It's a fight to the finish.
Your daughter will attempt to get what she wants by arguing with you.
She uses her teenage logic that is really code for "I will argue with you till you let me do what I want."
She will throw things at you like, "You hate my friends." If you take the bait and start defending and arguing why you don't hate her friends, she will continue to argue with more passion and emotion. These arguments go downhill quickly. She will throw everything at you to get her way.
Result: Arguments are doomed from the beginning. Your daughter really isn't open to what you've to say. She just wants her way. Since these arguments are so frustrating and irrational you are bound to get rid of it in bigger ways.
What you certainly can do about any of it: Wait for a while when both you and your daughter are calm. That is your best chance to truly have a conversation. When anyone is upset it will develop into an argument.
Get clear about what you think and what you are likely to do about it. A lot of arguing happens when you're not clear.
3. Scare Her
Another tactic is wanting to scare your daughter into changing. This happens once you feel you can't get through to her.
You try to scare her by making negative predictions in the future.
- If you should be sick and tired of your daughter's room being trashed, you say, "If you don't discover ways to take care of your things you are likely to be the greatest slob in the world. Nobody will want to room with you in college. Good luck finding some guy who'll tolerate that."
These negative predictions fly from the mouth area when you're really frustrated and you don't know very well what else to do.
Other negative predictions are:
- If you keep eating like this you're planning to be huge.
- If you don't worry about your grades you'll never get into a college. You'll be lucky to acquire a job at a junk food restaurant.
Result: Your daughter feels humiliated or shame. She'll believe you've given up on her.
One teenage girl said, "My mom thinks I'm stupid and can't get into college."
Negative predictions cause apathy, despair, anger, and shame. They never motivate.
What you certainly can do about any of it: Remember your daughter's strengths, abilities, and resiliencies. This may help calm your fears. Encourage her by saying things like, "I know you may be successful, once you put the full time and effort into it." You are challenging her but in a positive way.
